


Inter-species Cooperation

by bagog



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Humor, Cooking, Destroy Ending, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Memories, Post-Canon, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:11:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4521453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/pseuds/bagog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Javik is bored out of his mind and reminiscing at an inter-species cooperation symposium when his memories are interrupted by some friends from the Normandy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inter-species Cooperation

**Author's Note:**

> This is a request from Fionavar to write something about Javik trolling. I'm taking requests over at bagog.tumblr, but this one got a little long, so I'm cross posting it separate over here!

“Javik? Javik!”

The constant staring he had received all day had been bad enough, but to hear a familiar voice actually _catching_ him at this conference would be truly insufferable. Still, he might have known: as a beacon of Shepard’s idea of galactic cooperation, the entire crew of the Normandy had been invited to the symposium.

“Quarian.” He crossed his arms and leaned against a pillar immediately outside the large lecture hall from which he’d just emerged. He did his best to appear as if he had been standing this way for some time.

“I didn’t expect you to be here,” there was a sly grin in Tali’s voice. “I wouldn’t have thought the ‘First Symposium on Galactic Culture and Inter-Species Cooperation’ would really be something you’d be interested in.”

“You are correct,” Javik said disdainfully. “Commander Shepard suggested it to help me ‘fit in’ with the primitives of this cycle.”

“Shepard always _was_ an optimist…” Tali quipped, folding her arms. Javik hummed scornfully. “I don’t think you need any help: you served on the Normandy for months, you learned from the best!”

Javik remained impassive, “The only mercy I have had since awakening in this cycle is discovering that none of you are good representatives for your species.”

“Bah!” Tali laughed, “You love us!”

“I have told you, I need you functional to…” he trailed off.

The Reapers were gone. He no longer ‘needed’ anybody, in that respect.

“Is to…” Tali hesitated, “Keep you company at your next workshop?”

It was obvious she was trying to placate him, and it was a pathetic gesture.

“To serve as an object lesson for the need of a restored Prothean Empire,” he finished.

“Well,” Tali’s voice was thickly sarcastic, “I guess _you_ should be presenting at this symposium.”

“I was invited many times, I refused them all.”

She still stood there though, idly adjusting her shawl as the crowds of aliens swarmed around them.

“So…” the humor was back in her tone, “I wouldn’t have taken _you_ for a poetry lover!”

“I… am not.”

“Come on! You just walked out, and I saw you sitting in the back of the hall! It’s nothing to be ashamed of: Dr. Fionavar’s workshop on galactic poetry is probably the only enjoyable session I’ve gone to at this thing. And I’ve been here for _two days_.”

“I find the poetry of this Cycle to be lacking substance. In my Cycle, an epic poem could take two solar days to recite.”

“Wow, I didn’t actually know that protheans valued poetry. Is that true?”

“No.”

“ _Keelah,_ ” she buried her face in one hand and shook her head, “Why do I bother?”

> _Javik and his team were camped on the highest level in the ruin. Once this city had wrapped around the entire planet: a major hub of galactic trade populated by billions of protheans. It had been devastated before Javik’s birth, and was nothing now but a ruin. Still, for tonight, three young prothean warriors waited for daybreak, watching the stars wheel overhead._
> 
> _“Javik,” said Shineer with a yawn. “Go on and recite some poetry so we can pass the time.”_
> 
> _That piqued D’zok’s interest and she was on him in a second._
> 
> _“You recite_ poetry _, Javik?”_
> 
> _“No,” Javik rolled his eyes and finally got the fire lit. “Shineer, as usual, thinks because his mother was a blood-tracker that he is able to spy on me.”_
> 
> _“Could be if I wanted to be!”_
> 
> _“You are only barely a soldier!” Javik laughed, and though Shineer threw a pebble at his head, Javik’s companions laughed as well._
> 
> _“I saw you reading some when we were camped out last week!”_
> 
> _“You saw nothing.”_
> 
> _“I should’ve known,” D’zok stooped next to Javik and added some dried sticks to the fire. “Memorize any poetry and it might knock out your sense of humor.”_
> 
> _“Humor is just telling the truth with a sense of timing,” he said it dryly, but the firelight caught his composure crack into a smile when Shineer balked again._
> 
> _“I hear that our people’s poetry was very sad, even before the war,” D’zok sat cross-legged and warmed her hands over the fire._
> 
> _“It wasn’t,” Javik said mildly, poking at a flaming stick with a stick of his own until it crumbled under the heat. “Not all of it. We wrote love songs and comedies and tragedies just like the primitives.”_
> 
> _“Aha!” Shineer plopped to the ground and punched Javik’s shoulder. “How would you know that if you weren’t reading poetry?”_
> 
> _“You have a rock’s attention to detail. I said I could not_ recite _it, not that I hadn’t_ read _it. If you ever learn to read, Shineer, you may read all kinds of things.”_
> 
> _Even Shineer laughed. D’zok always thought it was a gift that Javik could make even the butt of the joke laugh at himself._

“Come on,” Tali said at last, “Let’s meet up with Garrus and we’ll all go to that martial arts demonstration together.”

Javik hesitated for only a moment before following after. The number of species at the symposium was truly impressive, in larger numbers and more varied than he had met on his time aboard the Normandy. And certainly more sentient races than he had ever known in his own cycle.

And most of them stared at him as he passed.

Liara had asked him to present the lecture on prothean culture, but he had refused for exactly this reason. The presentation was based on the book he and Liara had co-written anyhow. He had said as much as he had cared to say there, why should he repeat it all again for people too lazy to read it or too stupid to understand it?

“So,” Tali said hesitantly when they’d been walking in silence for some time, “Other than the poetry lecture, most of the sessions I’ve seen today have been pretty boring. I’m supposed to present later on today at the ‘Rannoch Reborn’ panel, and I can’t help thinking that I should have prepared some jokes or something. I don’t want to be boring like these other presenters.”

“Anyone attending a panel where they hope to understand another culture for any reason other than to vanquish it is destined for a fate worse than boredom.”

“…you’re such a ray of sunshine.” She looked as if she was going to continue when Garrus waved to them from across the atrium.

“Javik, you’re the last person I expected to see at this thing,” he said as he walked up and slid his arm around Tali’s shoulders.

“Then you lack imagination.”

“…ummm. Uhh. Hmmm.” Garrus carefully glanced down at Tali.

“Ignore him,” she put her arm around Garrus’ waist, “He’s in a bad mood because he had to sneak out of his poetry lecture early to avoid being seen.”

“Poetry?” Garrus chuckled, “I always knew you had a poet’s heart.”

Javik scowled and turned to Tali.

“You are much funnier when inebriated, quarian.”

“ _You’re_ much funnier when _I’m_ inebriated,” she retorted, and the three began walking across the atrium toward the martial arts expo. “Well, it’s a good thing for both of us I didn’t come empty handed.”

There was a slurping sound from inside Tali’s helmet and she giggled. Javik blinked.

“You… you have alcohol _inside_ your suit?”

“Had plenty of time to plan,” she said smugly, “ _keelah_ there’s no way I was going to stand another boring day of this symposium sober.”

“You’re so _bad_.” Garrus pulled her in tightly and nuzzled into her shawl and she giggled, slapping his chest. Javik’s eyes narrowed and looked up at the clock: there was another 7 hours of the conference to endure, and after Liara’s presentation next hour, there would doubtless be even more gawkers in the corridors.

“If you share your alcohol with me,” Javik said quietly, “I will tell you the secret of the Prothean Death Stare.”

“Prothean Death Stare?” Tali and Garrus said together.

“A technique so secret in the Empire that only a few knew it at the height of the Empire’s power,” he confided. Tali and Garrus exchanged a skeptical look.

“Even _if_ I believed you, it’s dextro alcohol,” Tali shrugged. “It would kill you.”

“I used to _eat_ quarians,” Javik growled. “I will be able to ingest their alcohol.”

Her stare was impassive through her visor, and there was another long slurping sound from behind the glass.

“Were we at least a delicacy?”

“Wait,” Garrus held up a talon, “Did you ogle them or eat them? I thought you said that protheans considered quarians to be attractive.”

“I did say that, but not to you.”

“We trade ‘Javik’ stories,” Tali said brightly.

“Amusing.”

“Oh no, not _just_ the amusing ones…” Garrus smirked.

“Cheer up, ‘Prothy.’” Tali handed him a pouch of warm alcohol, “You’ll have to find your own straw.” 

The martial arts demonstration was certainly well executed, if not actually interesting. Javik found it difficult to concentrate. Clearly, the majority of these techniques were not for him. Javik, on reflex, began observing the techniques in order to plan a counter; but almost immediately he realized there was no point. He was _not_ going to be reclaiming the galaxy in the name of the Prothean Empire. And he shouldn’t want that either.

So instead he was merely bored.

James Vega had met them at the lecture hall—himself actually set to demonstrate Alliance weaponry at the ‘Tools that Won the Fight’ exhibition tomorrow—and sat next to Javik the whole time.

“Interesting,” Javik said, surveying a batarian grappler demonstrate a famously brutal hold meant to be performed while chained.

“Hell yeah!” James exclaimed, having missed the sarcasm in Javik’s voice. “Saw a batarian slave-trader try that move once on a vorcha. But the vorcha was pretty slippery. Wouldn’ta slipped away from _this_ guy.”

“He is a poor slave-trader if he is enchained.”

“I mean… you don’t _have_ to be chained,” James said, scratching his nose. “This guy’s just showing off.”

“If he would show off for a crowd, his enemies will already know how to defeat him.”

“Still, I mean, hand-to-hand with a vorcha,” Vega ignord him, “Tough. They’ve got a lot of stamina.”

“That is because in my cycle we used them as part of a complicated delivery system. They ran beneath our cities in underground tunnels delivering sensitive files to high profile members of the Empire.”

“Whoa! Really?”

“No.”

“Uhhh…”

“I had never heard of a vorcha till I saw them in the Commander’s mind,” Javik folded his arms as a turian hand-to-hand specialist took the floor. “…he greatly admires their voices…”

“Whoa!” James had already stopped paying attention as the turian executed a series of stunning bobs and kicks on a number of movingtargets. “Come _on_ , Buggy! Even _you_ gotta admit that was pretty awesome.”

“An able defense for countering the deficiencies of having only two eyes.”

Several bystanders finally turned to give him a nasty look—though one batarian nodded approvingly—though all went wide-eyed when they saw who was speaking and pretended they hadn’t noticed him.

“So _none_ of this impresses you?” James shook his head with a chuckle.

“Would you be impressed if you were watching the pyjak cinema?”

“Varen ballet…” Garrus mumbled darkly under his breath.

“Thresher maw musicals…” Tali chortled.

“…okay that’d be a little weird,” James said at last. “But impressive’s still impressive.”

“Forget it, Vega,” Tali patted him on the shoulder, “Javik’s never going to be impressed with anything when he knows the secrete Prothean Death Stare.”

“The what now?”

“Death Stare,” Garrus leaned forward to talk past Tali’s helmet, “An advanced practitioner of the technique could kill a thresher maw from a hundred paces away with nothing but his stare.”

“’PING!’” Tali flicked her fingers out from her eyes, then made a jabbing motion at her chest “’WHOOSH! GRUUUK!’ Dead. Just like that.”

Javik smiled darkly.

“Really?” James swiveled around and Javik let the smile slide from his face.

“It could turn a man to powder.”

“That’s… you’re fucking with me, right?”

> _Their team had finally gotten the station operational again. 33 of the 40 decks were still open to space; but seven decks was still enough room to regather their forces—and the ore refining facilities were still operational._
> 
> _Sixteen hours later, Reapers were swarming everywhere._
> 
> _“I sent the warning signal,” D’zok called, diving behind cover where Shineer and Javik were ducking._
> 
> _“Unless they have indoctrinated troops with them, they could send any message. Lure the fleet in.”_
> 
> _“Then we blow it up. We—“ before Javik could finish, a Collector leapt over their barricade and pinned him to the deck, his rifle skittering away. In an instant, Shineer dove into the fray. He snapped the neck of the monster just as it had raised its hands to tear at Javik’s face._
> 
> _“Javik,” Shineer panted as he dragged Javik back behind cover, “Are you alright?”_
> 
> _“I—Yes.” Javik picks his rifle back up with a resolute growl. D’zok tossed a grenade over the barricade and after the explosion, there was quiet for a moment._
> 
> _“We need to move, now!” she barked. And they ran toward the reactor level._
> 
> _“Well, Shineer,” Javik said dryly as they ran. “I was going to say that, at least, if the Reapers indoctrinated you, they’d be getting more trouble than they bargained for.”_
> 
> _“He’s fine, alright,” D’zok cackled as they entered the elevator._
> 
> _“Very funny, Javik. You’d think I hadn’t just saved your life.”_
> 
> _“You’re so guarded, for all we know about you after this many years, I doubt you’d ever tell us any more if we were indoctrinated anyway!” D’zok laughed._
> 
> _“That’s certain!” Shineer slapped Javik on the back. “Only person you ever have a long conversation with is yourself when you think no one’s listening!”_
> 
> _“It is my only opportunity for intelligent conversation.”_
> 
> _The two laughed as they inspected their weapons, the elevator crawling down the derelict station to the reactor room._
> 
> _“Place is going to be swarming, Javik,” D’zok grinned, “This could be the end. If you were ever going to teach us the Secret Biotic Death Stare, now’s the time.”_
> 
> _“There is no such thing,” He leaned back against the wall._
> 
> _“I knew it!” Shineer shook his head smugly, “I knew it all along!”_
> 
> _“You believed it for seven years.”_
> 
> _“Fool enough to trust you!” Shineer chortled._
> 
> _“No, just gullible.”_

“Excuse me?”

Javik blinked, an asari with an icy expression stood before him.

“You are Javik, the prothean, correct? How do you do?”

“Two months ago I was planning my own death,” Javik replied dryly, “Now I am watching primitives celebrate how primitive they are. I could be better.”

The asari narrowed her eyes.

“Sorry lady,” James leaned over in his seat to arrest her attention. “This is actually my friend Tommy. He’s is constume—“

“I am Matriarch Rekalah. I am about to attend Dr. T’soni’s talk about prothean culture.” The way she spoke Liara’s name was thick with scorn. “I myself am an expert in your people. Am I to understand you will not be available for questioning at this panel?”

Garrus cleared his throat, “You’ve got the wrong—“

“—Yes,” Javik said, making eye contact at last. “I will not be at Dr. T’soni’s conference.”

“Hmph,” Rekalah crossed her arms with a haughty sneer, “Leave it to T’soni to put together such a shoddy lecture! I might have expected this from such a haphazard author! Very well, I will ask my questions of you now.”

“Look, Matriarch Rekalah,” Tali said mildly, “My friend here is enjoying… erm… tolerating the martial arts exhibition—“

“Please, girl,” the Matriarch held up her hand in Tali’s face, “In nine hundred years I have learned not to waste my time with impudent children.”

“I’m an admiral of the quarian fleet, _bosh’tet_ ,” Tali murmured under her breath and there was another slurping sound from inside her helmet.

“Ask your questions, asari.”

“It recently surfaced that evidence was found in the temple of Athame that the representation of the goddess is based on protheans. To what extent did protheans influence early asari religious development?”

“We founded it entirely,” Javik folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Your people used to worship a venomous cat native to your world. They would smear mud onto their skin and cover themselves in its fur.”

Tali and Garrus exchanged a reserved look, and James went wide-eyed, trying to avoid eye-contact with anyone. And so, for the next ten minutes, Javik ‘answered’ all of the matriarch’s questions:

“Protheans live for three thousand years, but must frequently drink the blood of subject races in order to do so.”

“All prothean children emerge from the womb utilizing a mass-reducing biotic field. For prothean women, birth is virtually painless.”

“Our biggest holiday was called ‘Klibbet-Blika-Bloothy-Goobidy-D’lu’ and—yes I’ll wait while you write that down. On this day we would gather together and force a krogan to fight a salarian in a vat full of fruit juice. Then we would eat the victor.”

“I was known to the asari as the deity Pro’lar—Hm? I am not surprised, your religion seems to have softened very much since your people were _useful_ to us—Yes. Pro’lar: god of true testimony.”

By the time Rekalah was content, James had practically bitten into his skin to suppress his laughter. Tali, on the other hand, was leaning back into Garrus’ chest, taking in the show with undisguised relish.

“Thank you, Javik,” Rekalah said proudly. “I am presenting a lecture on pre-historic asari culture, and with these new details, I’ll certainly distinguish myself among my peers on the panel!”

“Amusing.”

“And afterwards, I’ll stop in at T’soni’s lecture and make sure that your story is represented _accurately_ when I pin her to the wall in the question and answer portion!” She switched on her omni-tool, “I’ve downloaded my contact information into your omni-tool, should you wish to speak with a _real_ researcher! I would be honored to show you how truly _advanced_ scholars preserve the past!”

With that she swept away, and James’ omni-tool bleeped.

“…she downloaded it into mine,” he snickered. “Should I… Is she trying to tell me something? Should I go for this?”

“I do not use these primitive devices.”

“Every once in a while,” Garrus laughed, “not often—but every once in a while, I forget what a bastard you can be, Javik.”

“She is so screwed when she goes to Liara’s talk,” Tali was in stitches.

“More so,” Javik allowed himself the faintest smile, “Since I have answered all of the questions she asked correctly in the book Liara and I produced. It is obvious she did not read it.”

“That’ll add some spice to the conference,” Garrus laughed.

On the mat, an asari hand to hand expert was demonstrating biotically amplified martial stances. Her movements reminded Javik of Shineer, his clunky footwork always putting him in the right position to return fire.

How, even in their final fight…

No. D’zok and Shineer were ghosts. He was still alive.

“How can we be sure you ally _did_ tell the truth when you were writing the book?” Tali giggled, gently slapping his shoulder.

“You can’t,” he smiled wickedly.

“I trust Liara.” Garrus shook his head, “Wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her.”

Javik frowned.

> _“I’m certainly very excited to be working with you, Javik,” Liara said brightly, letting Javik into her apartment. “Our first session was so productive.  I’m sorry, let me pick up some of Feron’s things. There, that’s better. We’ll sit at the kitchen table.”_
> 
> _Javik grunted casually and sat in the stiff chair. Liara, however, continued to bustle about the kitchen._
> 
> _“I know you don’t usually accept dinner invitations, but I’ve just cooked quite a bit and figured I would offer it to you anyway.”_
> 
> _He raised his hand to dismiss the food, but she plopped the tray down in front of him._
> 
> _“Plukaran radishes served on a bed of rucksi-ting,” she said triumphantly indicating each dish as she pointed, “And over here we have masserk berries and a groclah broth.”_
> 
> _“But…” Javik blinked at the food, “All of those ingredients are extinct…”_
> 
> _“They_ were _extinct,” she planted both hands on the table and gave a victorious smile. “Until a particularly industrious information broker found preserved pollen samples and cloned them. And only she has access to them. There’s some salarian oranges in there too, since you seemed to like them at that restaurant two weeks ago. Oh and let’s not forget the main course!” She all but dropped another tray on the table in front of Javik, “Fish.”_
> 
> _“I do not—“_
> 
> _“—and_ now _,” she sat across from him at the table, folding her napkin casually on her lap with supernatural poise. “I would like to discuss the fact that more than half the information you gave me in our first session was false. See, I actually_ have _done quite a lot of research on protheans. And it’s true we still know next to nothing about your people. But, the questions I asked you last time I_ know _the answers to.”_
> 
> _“A spy and a chef, if only you had focused this hard on archaeology our conversations would not be necessary,” Javik quipped, but felt taken aback by the whole encounter. The asari clearly had him at an extreme disadvantage._
> 
> _“See, Javik,” she forked a large helping of the rucksi-ting onto her plate, “I didn’t want anything to cloud our working relationship, but I’m a very busy person. If you are serious about helping to write this book then I_ expect _your cooperation. I don’t have time to try a lot of different tactics to earn your trust. So let’s get everything on the table:_
> 
> _“Working with me can be very advantageous, as the food in front of you demonstrates. And there’s plenty more where that came from. I even promise not to poison any of it._
> 
> _“We don’t know much about the prothean people, but unless you want to read all 430 texts archaeologists have written about your people, you’ll never know which questions I already know the answers to._
> 
> _“Next, I may not know much about your Cycle, but I know absolutely everything about this one. If you go or say anything in this galaxy, I promise you I’ll know about it. Your past, your secrets. But in this Cycle, I know_ everything _. So if you don’t want to do this, walk away. But if you agree to help me, we’re going to write this book together, and it’s going to be good scholarship.”_
> 
> _Javik could tell she wasn’t used to the intimidation tactic, but had clearly had some practice with it. She gobbled down a forkful of rucksi-tiing for effect. Very likely she had practiced the whole monologue before he arrived. Still, she knew the power of her information was largely not dependent on the way it was delivered._
> 
> _“In the Empire, it was considered dangerous to rely solely on enemy intelligence.”_
> 
> _“Good thing we’re friends, then.”_
> 
> _“…the rucksi-ting is undercooked,” he sad dryly. “But I accept your offer. I will help you write this book.”_
> 
> _“Wonderful.” Her demeanor immediately returned to one of demure courtesy, “Then we’ll begin just after dinner.”_
> 
> _“In my cycle—“_
> 
> _“Wait,” she leaned hard on the table, “One more thing: the differences between the Prothean Empire and the species of the Citadel races are CULTURALLY different. When you say ‘in my cycle’ what you mean is ‘this is the way protheans did it.’ The way one behaves versus the way the other behaves is based on their divergent cultures, not merely the fact that they are separated in time by ‘cycles.’”_
> 
> _She huffed a sigh and regained her composure almost immediately, smiling with a pleasant air._
> 
> _“…in my cycle, these differences were based on cycles.”_
> 
> _“Goddess…” she buried her face in her hands._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I wrote an entire story with nobody laying in bed kissing or Kaidan Alenko at all. It was a real struggle.
> 
> There's some clean-up I'll probably want to do on this soon, but I wanted to get it posted within the time limit I promised! Thanks again, Javik is hard to write.


End file.
